All Film Reviews

A bunch of weak-willed Pompeiians, evil Roman snoots and innocent lovers are in for it.

Vesuvius, their executioner, sits above the town, contemplating the right moment to lava-drown the entire joint after some introductory volleys of giant earthquakes and meteor-like fireballs. It waits and watches, gearing up to dispense retribution for their collective sin, hubris and lack of respect for rich-girl/poor-boy romances. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that it’s necessarily a virtue-minded volcano; it showers its liquid death-rock on the just and the unjust; it ain’t here to make friends. And in Pompeii, a giant, stinky bacon-cheeseburger of grand-scale 3D garbage-tainment, when the camera lingers on Vesuvius’ rumbling prelude, you’ll wish hacky auteur Paul W.S. Anderson would have just gone ahead and fully anthropomorphized it, given it a working mouth and allowed it some dialogue: “WHAT’S UP? VESUVIUS HERE. I’M FIXIN’ TO KILL ALL OF YOU. IT’S GOING TO BE GREAT. FOR ME, AT LEAST.”

Milo (Game of Thrones star Kit Harington), a Celt slave, is sent to Pompeii to be part of a fight-to-the-death Olympics, where he’ll be pitted against champion brawler Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) when not busy being ogled by effeminate fight organizer Graecus (Joe Pingue, serving pursed lips, curly forelock and limp wrist like an old-school exploitation pro) or getting groped for cash by rich Pompeii ladies. But along the way Milo helps Cassia (Emily Browning), the daughter of Pompeii’s richest family, put down her injured horse. Blank-stare love blooms. “WHATEVER,” yawns Vesuvius, belching a little practice smoke, “STILL GONNA FILL YOUR LUNGS WITH FIVE BILLION DEGREE VOLCANO PUDDING.”

Cassia’s father (Jared Harris) needs a cash infusion from Rome so he allows extreme villain Corvus (Keifer Sutherland, wearing Liberace capes and acting like Scar from The Lion King) to bully the family into giving him Cassia as a lawfully wedded sex toy, but not before Cassia gets on a big sturdy metaphor-stallion with Milo – who is not only a valiant warrior but an animal tamer so talented that all he has to do is stare lovingly into the creature’s eyes and it offers its most docile self up to him -- and rides off into the fields for some chaste kissing. Anything more and Mr. V would seriously blow his top. “GET IT NOW. I’M ALREADY BORED WITH KISSYFACE,” zings You Know Who.

When Corvus is ready to claim his prize and announces, “I think the wedding should be in Rome!” that’s when our hero finally bellows, “I THINK NOT,” and eruptions all over everybody. There’s some chasing and fighting and revenge, declarations of freedom, truth, beauty and love, a variety of entertaining neckstabs and, finally, the doom you’ve paid a budget-matinee-ticket amount of money to witness. And it doesn't make you wait forever for it, which is considerate. You will have an excellent time cheering on the death every-friggin-body and their subsequent contributions to the science of archeology.

Spies, Fast Guns, and the Spaghetti Western. Two films by the people that brought you A Pistol For Ringo and Return of Ringo. For the first time both films are 16x9 anamorphic English language. Alive or Preferably Dead: Starring Giuliano Gemma and Nino Benvenuti, the European Light Middleweight Champion. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Starring Giuliano Gema, George Martin and the rest of the cast of the Ringo films.

A science-fiction writer creates a sexy robot-girl.

La Femme Objet is the story of a science fiction writer who is completely addicted to sex. He needs it from morning to night and cannot be in the presence of a woman without making love to her, whether she is asleep, in the process of washing the dishes, or anything else. The story begins with his girlfriends Sabine (Helene Shirley) leaving him, telling him as she parts that she wants to live and his demands are literally killing her. The next girlfriends suffers the same fate, as does the secretary he hires and a woman who is designing sets for the movie adaptation of his latest book. Realizing that no living woman can satisfy him, he sets up a laboratory in the basement and builds a true to life, remote controlled robot woman- his "female object" (Marilyn Jess). At first life is good, as the stunning, busty blonde robot can not speak- and wouldn't complain if she could- and satisfies his every sexual whim. He ironically observes, "She is more feminine than any woman I have ever known".

LA FEMME-OBJET remains a peculiar beast in the history of Continental carnality. Originating from an intelligent and literate script that proves a particularly cruel spin on the Pygmalion myth with a dash of Frankenstein, the film offers an incisive critique on the pornographic representation of men (as virile and irresistible) and women (as available and accommodating) by expanding upon these stereotypes, taking them to grotesque extremes.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0146082/

The director of MARK OF THE WHIP returns with the 4th installment of his highly offensive FANTOM KILER series. One woman is used as a floor mop, another becomes a human paintbrush. These are just some of the fates awaiting those foolish enough to incur the wrath of the Fantom Kiler.

 The beautiful detective is brought on to investigate the case where a young man was found castrated and pinned to a tree, and a young woman mutilated in a corn field. Detective Sylvia Novak realizes these are no ordinary murders as, soon, every female she meets becomes a victim of grizzly mayhem. The case soon leads her to become involved in a dangerous game with the infamous Fantom Killer, with all of her friends becoming victims of his perverted crimes. With no help from her colleagues, Sylvia decides to solve the case by herself, using her intelligence, her intuition and even her own body if need be. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that she is walking right into his trap.

Extreme Graphic Violence/Nudity/Drugs/Rape/Sexual Brutality: All those things we love. For Adult Audiences Only
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1787694/

Rock N Roll Heaven

This was actually the first time I had watched 'Rock N Roll Heaven'. In fact it's the first time I have ever watched 80's porn, but I was pleasantly surprised with this full length feature. The movie follows Rex's pursuit of rock 'n roll stardom, or the lack there of. When the film begins Rex is in a rundown apartment attempting to become a better guitar player. He is definitely lacking skills in that department. After his roomates show up, and get 'busy' on the apartment floor Rex decides to take himself a nap. What follows is a trippy sexual adventure into the underground rock 'n roll scene. When Rex takes a stroll through the streets of L.A. to admire a guitar he longs for he is confronted by a sexy female band singer who ends up making his wildest dream come true.

Rock 'N Roll Heaven is full of group oriented sex, that is accented by music performed by the 'Evil Angel Band'. It follows Rex's sexual exploits as a rock star. In the movie Rex ends up hooking up with multiple girls on various occasions. He also entertains his sexual desires as he plays with the Evil Angel Band at their own private club. The movie does include individual sex scenes, but for the most part it is group oriented. There were several repeats of the band's group orgy which was shown in whole towards the end of the feature. The finale of this feature presentation is wrapped up quite nicely with a cool little plot twist. To be honest though I could tell what was going to happen in the end, but it was cool nonetheless.

 I was actually quite impressed with this movie/feature. The 80's were definitely my favorite years, and the nostalgiac trip this tale offered payed homage to the lifestyles of that time period. I really liked Rex (Woop) in this movie. He brought the story to life. I noticed that the guitar that his character longed for in the movie was a B.C. Rich similar to one my father owned which was cool. Aside from the rock 'n roll theme, the sex was fairly good. The orgy parts were a little drawn out at times though. I think my favorite part of this movie was definitely the rock 'n roll music. I'm not sure if Woop (Rex), or the female lead singer/performer were actually singing/playing in the movie, but they certainly appeared to be. In the end I was glad I got the chance to review this DVD.

 Blowing In Style

 Blowing In Style is a 1989 Evil Angel feature that follows the sexual exploits of four girlfriends. The movie starts off as one of the girls offers her 'oral' services to a male hairstylist as pay. From that point on the scenes skip between three of the girlfriends, and the girlfriend who remains at the hair salon. Most of the sex scenes involved flashback stories that are shared among the three girlfriends. Lori, the only girl in the group who hasn't given a blowjob is strongly persuaded by her friends to do so. In the end Lori discovers the pleasure of giving blowjobs, and shares her new found talent with her own husband/boyfriend.

This feature is full of various types of sex. Some of the sex is hardcore, and often times includes deepthroating. Lesbian, bi-sexual, and straight sex scenes populate this movie's entire length. There are also some fairly impressive facials given. Peter North's finishes were definitely some of the best. For the most part Peter North was the only male performer I really recognized, but I'm sure some of my readers here may recognize the names I've included in this review.

 Once again I was quite impressed with the nostalgiac look at 80's porn. I wouldn't say that 'Blowing In Style' was better than 'Rock N Roll Heaven', but it still had it's own good points. I really liked the hardcore sex that went on in it. The fact that there were several different sex scenes was definitely cool. I do believe that there was a wider variety of sex included in this one feature than in most of the DVDs I have reviewed thus far. It was definitely neat to see how porn in the 80's differed from the porn of today.

 EXTRAS:

- Cast List
- Photo Gallery
- Filmographies
- Biography
- Trailers
- Websites
- Cumshot Recap


FINAL THOUGHTS:

Up until this point I had never watched classic porn, or even porn from the 80's. It was a new experience for me. I definitely noticed how little porn has changed over the years. For the most part porn has remained the same. The only noticable changes have been to the clothing, and music styles of the time period. I think 'Rock N Roll Heaven' was definitely my favorite out of the two DVDs in this set. It was more of a manly adult movie. Blowing In Style seemed to be geared more to the ladies. Both films definitely had something to offer when it came to enjoyable sex scenes, but for the most part they contained only a nostalgiac quality about them. While I did enjoy the look back at porn of the 80's through these two John Stagliano classics, I feel that they are only worth a rent. If you loved the originals, and they hold some sort of memory for you then they're probably worth a purchase though. Since I never got to see the original when it was released, this set of movies just offered me a peek into classic porn of the 80's.

A lonely aristocrat Miss Gray has a twin sister who's in an asylum. They share a strange bond. Miss Gray is rational but frigid while her sister is insane yet feels sexual pleasure for both of them. A female reporter arrives at the mansion.

Lina Romay is naked throughout the film and seemingly perfectly happy to not only reveal all but to get down and very dirty in a surprisingly explicit Franco outing. Nudity is hardly unknown in the 'dirty old man's' films but were this not so different in feel to accepted hardcore, that is the label one might find appropriate. Elegantly shot in widescreen this is a colourful, erotic tale with surprising moments hinting at vampirism and despite the appalling dubbed dialogue very watch able and amazingly possibly one of Romay's best.
                                            http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074871/

In his off hours, a creepy security guard masquerades as a police officer, hassles prostitutes who think he's a real cop and lets them go in return for free sex. One day he happens to witness a woman murder her husband, and he decides that she should be punished for her crime, but in his own way.

"A Climax of Blue Power" is hostile and gritty, and without a trace of political correctness. It also plays like a real movie, with a plot, characters and believable acting. There's even a car chase. Carns is effective in his role, his physical attractiveness (he sort of looks like a young Kurt Russell) never overshadowing his creepiness. Carnon, who's made numerous softcore movies ("Drop-Out Wife," "Booby Trap"), is another standout. (Incidentally, Carnon's scenes in this movie all appear to be softcore; an obvious stand-in was used for the hardcore close-ups). Also appearing are Frost's frequent producing partner Wes Bishop, as a detective, and Uschi Digard in a non-sexual and, surprisingly, fully-clothed cameo.

Director Frost made some of the most stylish roughies of the 1960s ("The Pick-Up," "The Defilers," "Hot Spur"). "A Climax of Blue Power" essentially uses Frost's roughie template and repackages it in a hard-X format. Though the movie has a few shaky production and story issues at its beginning (like why does a hooker keep flagging down johns in front of a police car and an unconvincing day-for-night scene), this is a must for fans of Frost's work, as well as aficionados of rough sex.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0135204/

"Jess Franco's Passion" is another deeply personal film from Jess Franco, and is a partial re-make of his 1982 film "Historia Sexual D'O (The Sexual Story of O), but "Passion" does not have the brutal SM present in the "O" film, though it does feature one ugly violent death. Like many of Jess' recent films, it is short of dialog, long on explicit lesbian love scenes, and contains much of the same soundtrack music featured in his other recent films, though this film has a couple of different tracks here and there. The music becomes almost vital since there is so little dialog, and the piano theme near the end of the film, played during a sex scene where Franco's camera is unbelievably close to his actresses' rear ends, is particularly spellbinding.

There are only four actresses in the cast, Fata Morgana King and Carmen Montes play the happy lesbians who are nude throughout the film's 99 minute running time. As I wrote in my review of Jess' companion film "Jess Franco's Perversion", these two women are practically sexual acrobats and their total exhibitionism rivals Lina Romay. Lina and Rachel Shepard play the unhappy lesbians, with Shepard spying on the happy women in the apartment across from theirs. Lina phones in her role in its entirety, and she has only three scenes, but as usual she makes the most of her time and she provides the only real acting in the film. She is very convincing in her brief appearances. Shepard is considerably better here than in other Franco films; however, all she has to do is be naked and look sad all the time. I won't give away the ending, which is not that shocking but certainly is dramatic and not to be expected in what is basically a lesbian porn film.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0458686/

A midget vampire terrorizes a small town, attacking dating couples in their randy moments. The news soon spread and a professional vampire hunter is called upon to settle the case, but he finds the little bloodsucker hurt and unable to attack. The greedy mayor sees the opportunity to take advantage of the situation when a film crew comes to town to make an experimental film about the famous monster.

"As Taras do Mini-Vampiro (aka Little Vampire Taints) is a nice horror comedy (decidedly very light on anything resembling horror but featuring a midget vampire which is always a bit creepy). This one stars Chumbinho (aka Fuk Fuk the Brazilian Midget). I love this guy. He causes a guy to be orally dis-membered by a woman giving him a blowjob and sticks strawas in people to drink their blood. He just looks funny really, and is a treat to see act like an ass. There's also a lovingly raunchy scene of a fat bearded guy masturbating to pictures of horses at horse shows! Hahaha! Gold I tell you! This mini-vampire is a bit odd. He walks around during the day with sunglasses and sleeps hanging upside down in public during the daytime. He spies on people having sex and manages to dine at the Y. There's plenty of straight sex, girls giving blowjobs, etc. This is a good porn film for a Saturday afternoon when you have the pad to yourself and you don't feel like watching Kung Fu Theater for want of something spank worthy AND cheezily entertaining."
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0456685/

Bethmann, who sees himself as a German Joe D'Amato, made with "Todesengel" a really entertaining piece of pure Sleaze. The story is about a raped model (played by porn star Manila May), which takes bloody revenge. A mixture of amateur-gore, bad but entertaining acting, some semi-hardcore scenes, much blood and extremely bad taste.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0294970/